Ha! Caught you red-handed! Thought you found a little risqué clickbait, eh? Well, the jokes on you, because this is Dualshockers, not some salacious men’s mag from the early 2000s. We’re classy—most of us—and we’re all reasonably decent human beings who focus on the issues that matter. It’s hurtful that you’d treat this feature as anything other than a very insightful and mature assessment of a fictional character.
That character is the oldest living Sheikah, Purah.
After Captain Hoz’s recommendation to seek out Purah, I arrived at Lookout Landing with no expectations. Cool, a nice little compound with a huge telescope and civil folk. However, when I ascended the steps to Purah’s room, there was something cinematic, almost textbook, about the entire affair. A few seconds of an unseen ruckus behind the closed door and then BAM, there she was.
Purah was a handful from the start—pointing at me, demanding answers, calling me “Linky.” Nintendo's pretty deliberate about it too, sneaking in a couple of old tropes; the camera pans up her legs when introducing her, the way she removes her mechanical glasses is clearly flirtatious. I see you, Nintendo. I know what you're doing!
Games are a lot more subtle about the male gaze than they used to be (thank the Gods!), but they continue to play on certain archetypes of desirability (especially in 2023, which is a bumper year for doms in gaming, apparently). Take Resident Evil Village’s Lady Dimitrescu. Who knew that a giant elegant vampire antagonist could rouse up so many conflicting emotions? Based off of an interview on LGBTQ-centric site The Pink News, a former dominatrix states that, apparently, a significant number of players fell hard for this humongous, yet irresistible bloodsucker and have an insatiable desire to be…stepped on by her. While my first impulse is a solid “eesh”, then again, who am I to judge? As a kid, I remember having a massive crush on both Wynona Ryder and Jessica Rabbit (please save all comments until the end).
Now, Purah is no dom, but she is a genius who’s basically discovered the Fountain of Youth. Not only that, but Tears of the Kingdom seems to hinge around her in multiple aspects. Throughout the entire game, her resources are fundamental in making your way across Hyrule. For one, the Purah Pad is pretty much your best friend. You’re constantly using it to update your map, check the adventure log, view your album, or brush up on TotK’s character profiles.
After your little meet-up at Lookout Landing, Purah gifts you the paraglider, which is indispensable for traversing the Sky Islands as well as most mountainous areas. Besides her technical contributions, Purah single-handedly sends you off on the four Regional Phenomena Main Quests that subsequently bring you into contact with the game’s sages and four temples.
I realize that it may seem blasphemous to claim that any woman in the series is more attractive than Zelda, but let’s face it, Zelda is royalty, which dictates a certain decorum that must always be upheld; it's all a bit fusty and staid, isn't it? Maybe I’m just attracted to beautiful brainiacs who’re way smarter than me. Then again, it’s not hard to be, especially when I’m playing Tears of the Kingdom.